I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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