I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
