My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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