if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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