If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
