He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
