Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
