If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
