Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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