It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
