Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
