I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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