It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
