Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
