if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
