What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
