i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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