Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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