you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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