Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I want a musical about memes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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