I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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