Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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