a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
