so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
