he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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