some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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