I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
