I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize