My first STD was from a foam party
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
