I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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