I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
