I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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