My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
