I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
