meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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