dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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