1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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