I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My ATM looks so different sober.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
