I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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