I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
