If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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