I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the day after is always just damage control
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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