So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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