Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
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There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
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you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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