I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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