New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
