I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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