It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
