Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
ttyl tear gas
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
