she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
