Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize