She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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