don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
