Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
