I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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