He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
