I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
