I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
