the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
