I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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