my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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