So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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