He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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