Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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