Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
